My boyfriend and i keep fighting about the same thing
All couples fight. It's completely natural, and comes with the territory of being in a relationship. The occasional argument is actually a good thing, says Ramani Durvasula , Ph. So, instead of focusing on how often you fight as couple, think about how fairly you fight. Read on to discover 11 tips to help you fight more productively. When you're in the heat of the moment and feeling emotional, it's tough to think before you open your mouth.
SEE VIDEO BY TOPIC: Stop Bickering. It's Killing Your Relationship - Esther PerelContent:
- How To Avoid Having The Same Fights Over And Over Again In Your Relationship
- Tired of Always Arguing with your Partner?
- A relationship therapist breaks down the 10 most common fights couples have
- Break the cycle: how to stop having the same argument again and again and again
- Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It
- Keep the Peace! How to Stop Fighting in Your Relationship
How To Avoid Having The Same Fights Over And Over Again In Your Relationship
Fighting, even if it was fighting fair, was for the more incompatible. Fast forward a couple of decades and what can I say? But let me explain …. My parents never fought, so I had good reason to believe that a fight-free relationship was possible. They never said a bad word about each or to each other. Or each other. Eventually, they divorced. Clearly, it was pretty easy not to fight.
They did it. I could do it. And then I met the man who would become my husband. And then we had our first fight. And quite a few more since. The love is real and so are the fights. Fighting is a part of any relationship.
Having know-how around fighting fair can not only save a relationship, but also make sure you both get what you need and bring you closer. Researchers have found that one of the best predictors of divorce is not whether a couple fights, but how they fight. All couples have probably fought dirty at least once, but the relationship will struggle when this way of relating becomes characteristic. Everyone has needs and getting them met in the context of a relationship is important.
Unmet needs will fester and push for resolution in some way. This might take the form of barbed comments here and there, criticism, or a distancing. Conflict is an opportunity for growth. When you intimately share your life with someone there are going to be disagreements. Sometimes a lot of them.
Conflict is normal. The potential to cause scars is enormous. If you keep fighting over different things but you always seem to end up on the same issue e. Something about that issue is unresolved and the topics — the little things that start the arguments e. The issue is. Find out exactly what it is though you will probably already have a fair idea! For an issue to be an issue it only takes one of you to believe it is.
Sometimes all it takes is validation or acknowledgement. This is different to taking time out to cool down and get your thoughts together. If the silent treatment is your typical response, it will do damage.
What is it about either that is making you want to pull back? If your partner is withdrawing, is it possible that he or she feels attacked? One way to change that is to name your contribution to the issue, however small. Conflicts in which one person expects another to know what is wrong without being told are more likely to end with anger or negative communication.
Research has shown that people who expect a partner to mind read are more likely to feel anxious or neglected. The common culprits are sadness, hurt, insecurity, jealousy or frustration. Few things deepen a connection more than being seen. If your body shows up to the plate but your mind is on what to have for dinner, a couple of things could happen — none of them good. Avoid the fallout by being attentive.
If the argument is at yelling point, nobody is being heard because nobody is listening. At this point, someone needs to be the hero and calm it all down. Use specific examples or if your partner is doing the generalising, ask for specific examples. Ask for more details. It also means that while the other person is speaking, you are probably formulating your response rather than listening. Slow things down and ask for details. Be open to accepting criticism.
Try to hear the message, even if it is being delivered in a way that is hard to hear. If you are the one with the wise words, say it in a way that can be heard by being generous in the delivery. Can we talk about it? Cycles become vicious ones before you know it. Slow things down and communicate to your partner your understanding of their side of things.
Then hopefully they will slow down to hear yours. You have nothing to lose — cycles are breeders and they tend to make uglier ones. Stop them before they spin out of control. Finding something you can give on will help progress the situation along. Generally in a fight, the more one person pulls, the more the other pulls in the other direction. Take a step, however small, back to the middle ground by offering a compromise.
Any small concession is the groundwork for bigger ones. Fighting is inevitable and not all healthy couples fight fair all of the time. Doors may get slammed. Things may be said. And plastic containers may get thrown across the room.
Having know-how around fighting fair is a powerful thing. It will bring you closer to being able to get what you want and at the same time solidify your relationship. Anyway, I hope it eventually worked out for you even if it did meaning getting out when it was time to. My boyfriend and I have been together for 8. But, communication has always been a struggle, and at times, it seems non existent. We both can be emotional and hot headed people.
I take things very personally, and so does he. It is incredibly frustrating and really saddens me. Its depressing sometimes! I feel like he hardly ever holds himself accountable for things, but will jump on me for anything I may do. We absolutely love eachother and are truly best friends, but when I want to express how something bothered me or hurt my feelings, we are rarely on the same team.
I feel like we very rarely get to talk something over and get through it without him blowing up or blaming me or justifying himself first. Then eventually usually at least there is a conversation afterwords that is constructive and kind, then everything is great, then we repeat the cycle. We will start counseling at the end of the month so I hope that helps. How should I handle this? If he is refusing to budge and not trying to help the situation, what is a healthy way for me to react?
He is a wonderful man with two children, divorced, as am I. We have had our growing pains and our own demons from our previous relationships throughout the last year and a half, but have managed to work through them.
For a long time, I was fearful to commit fully. A couple of months back, I broke out of that fear and committed fully to him. We have both professed that we want a future together. He is more selfish and will never apologize for hurting my feelings. I feel scared to approach him with my feelings now as a result. But I suggest you maybe learn a little more about Narcissism. Your man may suffer from it and you and everyone , in turn, will be the ultimate sufferers.
Not trying to diagnose Just trying to offer a suggestion that may benefit you. Been there. Trying to rescue someone else who may need it. Married well over twenty years now.
Have believed in fair fighting rules for a long time. Husband, not so much. He even stopped dumping major anger on me at one point when things got so tense that I said and did some things which led him to decide to go to an anger management class. Kids all grown up now, and they are all a mess.
Tired of Always Arguing with your Partner?
They're relatively trivial things, like chores and social media, according to Rachel Sussman , a relationship expert and marriage counselor in New York City. Sussman explained that the fight isn't so much about the issue itself as it is about a lack of communication. Sussman described 10 of the most common sources of conflict among the couples she sees — and importantly, she said, working on your communication skills is the key to resolving them all.
It's not necessarily a bad thing to fight. There are plenty of strong yet volatile couples. But certain lines should not be crossed, and it's important to repair. To do that, you need to validate the other person's feelings and appreciate that he or she experiences things differently than you do. What most people don't realize is that you're not actually fighting about money or commitment or who does the housework.
A relationship therapist breaks down the 10 most common fights couples have
It is the one that keeps going round and round, always ending where it started. There are a number of ways to stop — or at least control — the endless bickering. Take a look at the disputes one by one, so you can choose the most suitable way to neutralise your own argument and, as a bonus, improve your relationship. Before you start, though, you must answer an important question. If you both come up with some suggestions, that is great news: start building them into your schedules right away. If you drew a blank, think back to when you first met. What did you enjoy doing then that you could build into your relationship today? Find a way to do so. Once you take this positive step, you will notice things starting to improve, because the more time you spend having fun together, the less time — and less incentive — you have to argue.
Break the cycle: how to stop having the same argument again and again and again
Even more so when the reasons for arguing are always the same. Are you tired of arguing with your partner about the same things over and over? The good news is that it is possible to reach an agreement about the recurring issue. It has to do with identifying the root of the problem. On the other hand, it may not be a specific issue, but rather a general discussion.
About six months into a serious relationship with my boyfriend, we started experiencing major conflict. This caused me to think about relationship conflict in general, what causes it, and how to deal with it. Each person comes into a relationship with certain expectations. These are based on past experiences, childhood, or how you think things should be.
Fighting Fair in A Relationship: How to Get What You Need and Stay Close While You Do It
W hen it comes to relationships , conflict is inevitable. Couples can disagree and, yes, even fight while still showing compassion and respect for each other, according to psychologists. That said, frequent heated and hurtful conflict is certainly not healthy or sustainable, either. You can have conflicts with your partner in a constructive way, and it may actually bring you closer together, according to a paper published by the Society for Personality and Social Psychology.
Why is it that we fight the most with those we love the most? Or, is it something more profound, something deeper? Every one of us brings a lot to the table that contributes to the degree of conflict we experience with a partner, including our early attachment patterns, psychological defenses, and critical inner voices about ourselves and others. That is why the key to getting along with our partner is rarely as simple as it sounds. However, the good news is we have a lot of power when it comes to making things better. We may even be drawn to build a case against our partner rather than attempting to understand them, move on, or accept an apology.
Keep the Peace! How to Stop Fighting in Your Relationship
Fighting with your partner is the worst. It's sometimes necessary and even healthy to argue. But if you find that you keep rehashing the same issues over and over again, it can take a toll on your relationship. So what can you do to avoid having the same fights all the time? Experts say there are a few key things you can do.
Do you notice that you and your partner always end up having "the same old argument"? But why? Well, the reason it feels like it's a loop, is because it IS a loop. Without learning how to notice the patterns as they arise, there's no way to stop a vicious cycle in its tracks. That's why I am telling you that there is a way through it.
Fighting, even if it was fighting fair, was for the more incompatible. Fast forward a couple of decades and what can I say? But let me explain ….
Arguments are common in all kinds of relationships. Some degree of conflict can even be healthy, as it means both people are expressing themselves, rather than keeping everything inside and letting emotions fester. Learning ways to handle disagreements constructively is crucial in any relationship. We always say: conflict is inevitable.