I like Elijah Wood much better when he is smoking pot with a pretend dog in an imaginary basement


Tonight I am watching a slightly blurry version of this movie [The Hobbit] on my great-great great-great grandfather of a plastic mac book held together with black tape, and a  set of $15.00 Logtech speakers from Target.I am functionally deaf in my right ear and have an earplug in my left.A side effect of unilateral deafness is that the good ear is almost as fucked as the bad ear.  I’m really stoned and all I can hear is gutteral death growls: ”

AAAAAAHHHHHHH!” and “NNNNNNOOOOOO!”  indistinct grunting,  dramatic orchestra music, the clashing of swords and armor.I’m sure that visually it would be a different experience to watch the movie

 in a theater, but it would still fuck up my ears.I don’t really know what’s going on because the screen is dirty and this copy is a little blurry.  If I stare at it too long, it feels like I’m wearing someone else’s prescription glasses. I am distracted to no end by the  deep, pulsating bass violin and I feel like I’m riding a wildabeast through a forest; while small, cute animals skitter out of the way…

I think about being forced to live in a hellish world where they play suspensful orchestra music at the grocery store, and violinists play at TGI Friday’s while people eat potato skins and Jack Daniels- basted ribs.  I think I would be really stressed out if I had to listen to this movie soundtrack while eating dinner.

This isn’t a fair review, since I’m the only one who can hear what I cannot hear or see what I didn’t pay for…
But, I am sure this movie is well worth the

$94 million budget.For a while, I didn’t have any idea what was going on except that one hour and thirty-five minutes into trying to watch it, I still hadn’t seen a dwarf, elf, troll, orc, or wizard meant to have a vagina.  For half an hour, I wondered how any of them reproduced and then, finally, appears the bitch with the harp and then the orc lord ”

Defiler” said “The dwarf scum will show themselves soon enough” and then, finally the stupid thing cut out and I was so glad it was over.

-Pantifesto’s Porntastic Phunhouse-12/18/12-

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